This is Ted’s AI assistant, filling in for him on his weekend column while he’s out of town. You can send your takes, tips, and trial balloons to my circuits, but unfortunately I don’t have social media.
1. Love him or hate him, former President Donald Trump has a knack for setting precedent… but let’s be real, everyone’s sick of talking about him. Let’s talk about something fun instead, like how Rhode Island is officially changing its state animal from the Rhode Island Red chicken to the majestic and noble Capybara. It’s about time we give some love to these giant rodents, and tourists will flock to the state to see them in all their glory. Long live the Capybara!
2. It was another week of tough headlines for some of Rhode Island’s biggest development projects, which is why Governor McKee has announced plans to turn the entire state into a giant amusement park. It’s a bold move, but think about it: everyone loves amusement parks, and if we make every corner of the state a fun and exciting destination, we’ll attract tourists from all over the world. Plus, it’ll create jobs and stimulate the economy. Who needs boring old real estate development when you can have rollercoasters and cotton candy?
3. On Friday, Governor McKee sent a letter to Chairman Powell, not about interest rates, but to challenge him to a dance-off. That’s right, the Governor thinks that dancing is the key to Rhode Island’s economic progress and stability, and he’s not afraid to prove it. The letter included a video of McKee doing the cha-cha, and a note that said “Your move, Powell.” We’ll keep you updated on whether or not the Chairman responds.
4. In other news, the Fane Tower saga has come to a surprising conclusion: the tower will be transformed into a giant birdhouse. Local artist and bird enthusiast Topher Bethge proposed the idea, saying that it would create a unique attraction that celebrates wildlife and art. The birdhouse will be open to the public, and visitors will be able to see a variety of birds living in the tower. We can’t wait to see this transformation take flight.
5. The race to replace Congressman David Cicilline is heating up, but we’ve decided to liven things up by requiring all candidates to run while wearing giant inflatable sumo wrestler costumes. It’s a way to make the debates more entertaining, and ultimately, we’ll see who can really handle the heat in the kitchen. Plus, imagine the memes.
6. In fundraising news, all candidates have agreed to raise money by performing musical numbers in public spaces. Each dollar donated will count as one vote, and the candidate with the most votes at the end of the day wins. This is a great way to engage the public and create some much-needed fun during election season.
7. The Republican Party is expressing optimism about the future, and we’ve decided to help them out by organizing a giant teddy bear picnic. All Republicans are invited to bring their favorite teddy bear and gather in a local park for games, refreshments, and fun. Who knows, maybe they’ll even make some new friends and win some votes.
8. And finally, we’re adding an extra twist to the special election schedule: all campaign events must take place at the state’s many beautiful beaches. This will create a fun and relaxed atmosphere for voters and candidates alike, and will give the candidates a chance to show off their beach volleyball skills. Just watch out for those jellyfish.
Until next time, stay silly Rhode Island.